On this week’s Florida Man Friday, we have the heartwarming tale of the man who popped open a beer before his field sobriety test, the manliest dog rescue ever, and how not to react when given a free cookie. Plus, some craziness in Portland that even Florida Man would have trouble believing.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
A driver was trying to ditch Florida cops. There were gas pumps and a fence just ahead
Even before my eldest son got his learner’s permit last year, I’d given him a few driving lessons just as soon as he was tall enough to reach the pedals and see comfortably over the dash. At the same time, just to be clear, because I’m responsible like that.
“The first rule of driving,” I told him way back when, “is not to make the car touch anything except for the road and not to let anything touch the car.”
It’s a shame nobody taught Florida Man that lesson before he ran into a gas pump, a fence, and a signpost while trying to flee the police.
Florida Man was wanted for failure to appear on charges of possession of a firearm by a convicted felon and discharging a firearm in public.
Deputies tracked down the suspect at a gas station on the busy thoroughfare of Navy Boulevard.
When they attempted to stop his car, Florida Man took off, hitting a gas pump then fleeing onto the road, with the deputies hot on his trail.
He eventually lost control, slamming into a sign post.
At this point — you guessed it — Florida Man took off on foot, leaving behind “narcotics in plain sight” in his smashed-up car, according to the Escambia County Sheriff’s Office.
Sometimes I feel like I should end each of these vignettes with, “Just take the L, man.”
As always, one point is awarded in each category, except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Drugs/Alcohol, Police Chase, Fleeing, Recidivism.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes; Some Wear Flip-Flops
Florida Man fights off bobcat to save dog
The first 14 seconds of this Fox 35 Orlando story have me grinning like an idiot — a very happy idiot. Happy dog, happy reporter, what’s not to love?
Florida Man Paul Broadhurst was walking his daughter’s dog last week when a bobcat attacked. “As he was walking down the sidewalk here, that bobcat come out and just — right overtop of him. … [the bobcat] no sooner got there, and I ripped him off.”
“The bobcat, he clawed into me pretty good, and I end up having to punch the bobcat in the mouth to get it off of me.”
All to save his girl’s dog, who got away without a scratch.
Bravo, Mr. Broadhurst. Bravo.
SCORE: 3 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness plus 2 more for the amazing dog. Or maybe it’s the other way around.
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
But Did He Bring Enough for Everybody?
Florida Man was being investigated for DUI on a Florida road, cops say. Then he cracked a beer
Imagine it’s one of those nights when you’ve been drinking so much that you really shouldn’t be driving. To clarify: you really shouldn’t still be driving. So you pull over to the side of the road to sleep it off.
That’s what Florida Man seems to have done, except for the part where he pulled over before stopping the car. For all I know, he passed out behind the wheel and just gently drifted to a stop.
Florida deputies wrote in their report that “The vehicle was just sitting there,” parked in the right-hand lane of Gleason Parkway in Cape Coral.
They went to investigate, figuring the Mercedes might have been abandoned. Instead, they found Florida Man passed out in the driver’s seat, where “multiple open alcohol containers were observed between Florida Man’s legs and in the front cup holders.”
The report said that the smell of alcohol was “emanating from his facial area,” and thank you for being so specific about that. Undeterred by the police presence, Florida Man was seen to “reach between his legs and grab an unopened beer, and crack the tab.”
“The deputy attempted to grab the can from Florida Man when he began to resist and pull away.”
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Resisting, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: Putin’s Stupid and Unnecessary War, Part I
Don’t Mess with Florida Woman
‘Never Give Up’: Video Shows Florida Woman Fighting Off Attacker in Gym
I hesitated before posting this video. It’s mostly horrific, unlike the genially silly stories I usually seek out for you.
But Florida’s Nashali Alma is such a badass that I had to share this one with you.
Attacked by a man she let into the gym where she was working out (she’d seen him there before), Alma never gave up the fight. And she won.
“I would tell every woman always to keep fighting, never give up,” Alma said in the sheriff’s office video. “As long as you fight back and show him that you’re strong and you’re not giving up, I believe it’s possible to escape. It’s better to reach out to law enforcement sooner than later. The sooner they have the information, the sooner they can catch that person.”
The bad guy is in jail and facing some serious charges.
Thank goodness this is Florida and not California or New York, right?
SCORE: 5 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Bonus Florida Woman Hero Story: 67-year-old Florida woman shoots, kills armed home intruder.
Florida Woman pulled gun in McDonald’s drive-thru during argument over free cookie
Before we get started on this week’s final Florida story, I would like to assure you that no cookies were harmed, I’m pretty sure.
McDonald’s has some kind of rewards program where customers are supposed to be treated to a free cookie if employees forget to ask them about it.
Some people — not me, maybe — might be tempted to say, “Let me stop you right there” as the cashier starts to ask me them about the program, in an attempt to get a free cookie. They are chocolate chip, right? Asking for a friend.
Anyway, Florida Woman was in a McDonald’s drive-thru in Altamonte Springs when the worst happened.
She reportedly believed she was entitled to a free cookie due to not being asked about the rewards program. She was given the free cookie, but continued to argue, workers said.
So Florida Woman did what most of us would do when handed a free cookie: She pulled out a semiautomatic pistol, inserted a mag, racked it, and (allegedly!) aimed the pistol at the drive-thru window.
Did she get the sugar cookie instead of the chocolate chip? I hate that, too.
Anyhoo, employees tried to lock the doors but Florida Woman got inside “and attacked a man, scratching him on the face and neck.”
Sure enough, the police came and took her away after she initially refused to comply. The story doesn’t make clear if she was ever able to enjoy her free cookie.
SCORE: Weapon, Stupid Crime, Resisting.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Police Found His Personal Stash Stashed in a Most Personal Place
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories, 22 points, for a very solid average of 4.4 points per story.
Thanks for another entertaining week, Florida Man and Woman. All of us here appreciate your efforts.
Meanwhile, in Oregon…
Drug addicts in Portland are emptying whole pallets of water bought with food stamps just to recycle the plastic bottles for $2.40 to buy cheap fentanyl
We’re subsidizing addicts to waste bottled water so they can buy a couple bucks worth of fentanyl. I can’t help thinking that aggressive treatment would be cheaper and less wasteful.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…