Readers of this fine publication are well-versed in the fantastical misadventures of America’s First Son, Hunter Biden.
Hunter was 2019’s Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year and probably should have been for all subsequent years. And as much as he’s earned this year’s award, we just can’t bring ourselves to cheapen the prize by awarding him another trophy to toss in the back of his closet, next to the double-headed dildos and anal beads.
If we give him the title again, we’ll have to do it again in 2023, 2024, and beyond.
Because we know in our hearts that Hunter Biden will never stop being awesome.
He is the apex degenerate. Pure animal.
No one is ever going to consistently bring the goods to the highly secretive Man of the Year selection committee at the pace Hunter Biden does, year after year.
So we give up. No more deliberations, Hunter Biden is now and forever will be the Washington Free Beacon Man of All the Years.
There was no stopping Hunter in 2022. The Laptop From Hell just keeps bringing the heat. There are crack smoking videos, the sex tape with the footjob, the texts and the emails and 10 percent to the Big Guy. The list goes on, and with the GOP poised to take power in the House of Representatives, 2023 is going to be another badass year for our boy.
The Free Beacon has taken a lot of flak for these awards through the years—critics say we glorify the hedonism of our subjects and groom our readers for future derelict behavior. In some instances, they may have a point.
So, for this year and for all the years to come, we’ll chart a different course for Hunter Biden. We are honoring Hunter’s finest virtues, his honesty and his compassion.
Sure, Hunter may be selfish, but he’s also shown an enormous capacity for compassion. He convinced his father to federally fund crack pipe distribution centers across the country, giving his fellow crackheads easy access to drug paraphernalia to support their alternative lifestyles.
For all his troubles, misdeeds, and failings, the man is also exceedingly honest. Like George Washington, he simply cannot tell a lie.
Has he ever denied spending epic amounts of money on hookers and drugs? No. Did he lie about working for foreign interests and cutting his old man in on the profits? No. In fact, he pursued those unethical deals with vigor.
He’s never once lied about being a full-on pervert with an unyielding thirst for action.
Hunter Biden told the truth when he said he couldn’t remember leaving the Laptop From Hell at a Delaware repair shop. He said he was on a bender at the time.
He told the truth when he said he had to make all the Biden family’s money and sock millions away for his old man.
Hunter told the truth when it came to acknowledging the daughter he fathered with that exotic dancer, something his old man and stepmother still refuse to do.
And when Hunter Biden texted his brother’s widow “I won’t come home to do anything but have sex,” he was telling the truth.
Honesty is a quality in short supply here in the Swamp, so when Hunter Biden comes to D.C. to testify next year, we expect the truth to follow. Here’s to the compassionate, honest life, and here’s to Hunter Biden, the one and only Washington Free Beacon Man of All the Years.